"I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly." John 10:10
I am in recovery.
No not from drugs, from life.
Outwardly, it would appear that I am living well, but somewhere along the journey, I died. Not a literal death, but certainly from fully participating in being alive. I would go so far as to say that I have stopped living while being alive. When I think about it, I believe I died emotionally at the age of eleven the day my mother passed away. She went to the hospital to have a baby. The next morning she was gone. She went into cardiac arrest during the delivery. The baby was stillborn. When the Western Union telegram came, I did not even cry. Instead, I went inward and stayed there. It would seem that I curled up and kept the world at bay. I didn't. I went to school, earned advanced degrees; got married, and had children. I thought I was living.
Sometimes, however, I would get the feeling that I was watching a play of my life, and I was relegated to the audience. It was like I was paralyzed and could not join in. It became apparent that I was going through the motions. I wanted to really live, enjoy, explore life, but I just did not know how. All these years later, I still don't. But, with the recent death of my husband and the birth of my newest granddaughter, and a recent cancer scare, I was shocked into the realization that I do not want to continue sleepwalking through life and not feeling all there is to feel. With the diagnosis of a suspicious mammogram, I was face to face with my own mortality.
What if I die without having lived? This may seem supercilious, since I am alive. But, there is a difference between living life to its fullest and just existing. I don't know whether I will be able to achieve this actualization, but I am know going to try in earnest. Some of my friends and family have told me that I have a lot to give to others. Perhaps by sharing openly and honestly I can find resolve or help someone else.
To start, I am going to be guided by three truths:
First, God has a plan for my life. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11
Secondly, I can pray and read scripture to determine God's plan for my life.
Thirdly, I can begin to live the plan.
I am waking up my life, and I am starting now. I pray that those who have given thought to this or those who can relate or not will be moved in a direction.
Here's to living life to the fullest!